“I’m so bored. I hate my life.” - Britney Spears

Das Langweilige ist interessant geworden, weil das Interessante angefangen hat langweilig zu werden. – Thomas Mann

"Never for money/always for love" - The Talking Heads

Saturday, February 10, 2007

a letter from an LI reader

Peter Beinart
Nude Model

Dear LI

As you probably know, the most exciting story of the upcoming 2008 presidential campaign is the extraordinary synergy between science and muscular liberalism that has actually cloned a candidate from one of Joseph Lieberman’s cells crossed with one of Harry Truman’s. The candidate, Harry Truberman, will, I think, be challenging voters with his exciting new policies any day now, as soon as our assistants teach him English.

But with the upside comes the downside. Yes, the Truberman campaign did hire me to create an exciting blog for a truly spectacular candidate (also, they are programming some math and geography into his, at present, prone and unconscious bio-structure). This was great news, until the minions of reaction got ahold of it, as in this ABC story, ‘Truberman stumbles on the Net’. The money shot graf, as it were, is this one:

“The drama began when it became known that the Truberman campaign had hired Peter Beinart, former editor of the New Republic and now the employee of a group calling itself Scruggs+LimitedInc+Gulf and Western. Reaction from the right side of the blogosphere was swift and critical, as Beinart’s work in such films as Bend Over Muscular Liberals and My Missile, Your Place were reviewed for lack of, shall we say, child friendly viewing (although this commentator did like the exciting Command and Control scene in the latter film). Beinart, they claimed, made caustic, profanity-laced remarks in these films, besides showing his privates. Beinart supporters, on the other hand, claim that the remarks were only made by the co-stars, with Beinart’s own dialogue amounting to “feel that, baby” and “oh yeah, oh God, oh yeah”. Beinart’s spokeswoman claims that the later is a quote from one of the Psalms, although as of the date of this report, she has still refused to specify which Psalm.”

Once again, a muscular liberal like myself is being martyred by McCarthyism. So let us get this story straight, shall we?

My nude modeling career is out there for all to see. I have nothing to hide on that front. My discussions about this with the Truberman campaign people was nothing if not candid. Most of them, I was pleased to discover, are big fans of my film oeuvre. These attacks, however, do present a test of will for us (and, by the way, our bio-form candidate has passed several tests with flying colors this morning, including identifying all of the primary colors by name), since we can bow to the demagoguery of the dishonorable right – in which I do not include such names as Rich Lowrey or, say, Charles Krauthammer, brilliant writers who have come out and said that the Bend Over films were like a fifth division, aimed at the treacherous heart of Islamofascism - or we can fight for what we believe in. These red herrings do us no good in a time when we need to be radically increasing our defense budget to meet the challenges of World War IV, and defending a reformed Social Security system that integrates Wall Street and Main Street – the best of American productivity meeting the best of America’s financial wizardry. Tearing down middle class entitlements is part of the third way that is revolutionizing the government, and making us ever more relevant in an ever more competitive world.

So, ignore the stories you are reading about the Truberman campaign disavowing this one lone, and – even if I say it myself – heroic nude model, standing up against those in the Democratic party who, inadvertently, help the cause of terrorism. Standing up for aching minutes in other areas too, standing, throbbing, heated, passionate, oh yeah, oh God, oh yeah – such are the talents I am proud of.

Peter Beinart
Nude Model


Chuck Pinatubo said...

I wonder what Truberman expected. Everyone knows fishing for celebrity, even minor celebrity, is an iffy business. His reaction to the critics and audience focus groups reminds of me Beinart's role in "The Ingenuous Poolboy Meets The Full Spectrum Dominatrix". Of course they're going to use all those props. It's in the goddamn script! And of course they're going to hurt. They're supposed to. That's what people want to see.

roger said...

Mr. Pinatubo, I contacted Mr. Beinart's spokesperson, who insists that Mr. Beinart's memory of the film you are talking about is that he was assured by a Mr. Stuggs (?), in a long distance phone call unfortunately interrupted by a mugging - Mr. Beinart didn't, at that time, know that Valley teens could be so mean! - that the production company would, of course, be supplying a stunt pool boy for certain of the more dramatic scenes in the denouement with the Dominatrix. And he still has an allergic reaction to mayonnaise that he attributes specifically to that film.

Chuck Pinatubo said...

Stuggs, Buggs, whatevah, after a certain point the naivete is indistinguishable from mendacity and stupidity. I've more due diligence when buying cat chow than Truberman's flunkies did when they went out trawling for nude models.

But I expect that of them. I can't get really excited over it. No, what bothers me are the otherwise sensible groups of people who can't tell the difference between a casting couch and what some people call "Procrustes' Delight". A friend tried to help me with that. He said people go to muscular extravaganzas the same way they drive their cars. It takes only a few barking nutcases to set thousands of them acting like idiots. And the solution? Same in both cases: more roads to deal with the road rage and more muscularity to deal with being muscle bound.

None of that's why I contacted you, however. A man -- we'll call him "Stuggs" -- asked me to contact you and ask if you'd contact Beinart, whose seems to like your weblog. I'm planning a little film of my own. It's called "Hot Buggered Bagels", and it's set in Brighton Beach.