“I’m so bored. I hate my life.” - Britney Spears

Das Langweilige ist interessant geworden, weil das Interessante angefangen hat langweilig zu werden. – Thomas Mann

"Never for money/always for love" - The Talking Heads

Friday, February 29, 2008

LI is financially chic!

Reading that Sprint is writing off 23 billion dollars, we here at LI got a little jealous. It seems that every organization worth its salt, nowadays, has to write off a few billion dollars. Even the girls selling girl scout cookies at a foldout table near the Randalls up the street have a sign claiming that for each box sold, they will write off a million dollars.

Where, readers will want to know, does LI stand on all of this?

As the finest and chicest of blogs, we have been a little dumbfounded by the pace of the write offs. Still, I think we can come up with 500 million dollars worth of write offs for starters.

For instance, the 100 million for the coffee machines. The office coffee machine broke a week ago, and the office assistant went to get a new one. The office manager meant to write a check for one hundred dollars, but slipped up and added the million. So of course we now have five warehouses stuffed full of coffee machines, plus tons of non-dairy creamer. We are, of course, writing that off.

Then there was the Nestroy business. We brought in a consultant to help us raise our subscription base from 200 to 200,000. The consultant assured our CEO that the youth of America was totally grooving to the plays of J. Nestroy at the moment. Thus, we went out and bought some very expensive writers to write about the Revolution in Kraehwinkel, and we purchased Nestroy today and Nestroy weekly for a comparative song – a thirty million dollar stock swap. So far, we’ve lost 50 million on the deal. No, it isn’t in the billions, but every bit helps.

Then, of course, comes the revision of our 2006 profits. We had originally figured our 2006 profits at 300 million dollars, which allowed us to pay our CEO a hundred million dollar bonus. Revision, however, has revealed that the 300 million was too high – in actuality, we made 17 cents. Actually, we found the 17 cents in our chair, which the consultant had been sitting in. Being sly business men, we made the lock your lips sign to each otehr until the consultant left the room, then quickly pocketed the princely sum. Of course, this profit was cause to award our CEO another 50 million dollars in bonuses, which included a warehouse full of coffee makers.

So, as you can see, we are doing our best, here, at LI to keep up with the times. At the moment, it may seem like a distant dream that we would lose a billion dollars. But just look at the ratings handed out to subprime mortgage companies by Standard and Poor – yes, dreams can come true!

Now I’m going out to buy some cookies – the LI kitchen is all out! Hmm, how much money does this check give me, anyway?

7 comments:

northanger said...

AZ 197 = DISPOSITION OF SSP REAL AND PERSONAL PROPERTY = BEFORE DECIDING WHETHER AND HOW TO PROCEED.

AZ 216 = THE FETISHISM OF COMMODITIES AND THE SECRET THEREOF = THE AFFAIRS OF MAN ALSO HAVE QUANTITATIVE POWER RATINGS.

AZ 79 = 2.342x500=1171 = NASH EQUILIBRIUM = THE SCOUTING PORTAL.

AQ 1171 = THE NATURE OF THE ISSUE MAKES IT POSSIBLE TO RENDER A SOLID JUDGMENT.

northanger said...

AZ 40 = GUESSTIMATE = 0.1 μm MPPS = THE CONSTANT = URBANATOMY.

northanger said...

AZ 81 = URBANATOMY: 2008 TEXAS = A DERRIDEAN SUCH AS LI (...can’t resist pointing out that the AZ-92 CHAPTER ON THE SPONGE generates, even in Bachelard’s criticism of using that image, a number of spongy terms, revolving around absorbtion. But I will not go into that, for the fun, here, is about the “AZ-87 GENERALIZED IMAGE”- the “AZ-133 LEITMOTIV OF A VALUELESS INTUITION”) = ORDER OF ST MICHAEL.

AZ 92 = ORDRE DE SAINT-MICHEL = CHAPTER ON THE SPONGE = HAMILTONIAN ASSUMPTION = HOFMANNSTHAL'S THE LETTER = THE BEST OF CHIC VOLUME 2 = THE FAT LADY IS SINGING.

AZ 95 = A NUMBER OF SPONGY TERMS = COUNTRY/WESTERN TWO-STEP = ENDEAVOUR HEPATOSCOPY = IN ACTUALITY, WE MADE 17 CENTS (AZ-113 SEVENTEENTH STATE OF THE UNION) = URBANATOMY: 2008 OHIO.

AZ 211 = THE STAR SPONGE AND THE FIFTY GATES, TWO PASSAGES TO ATTAINMENT = WE ONCE HUNTED FOR BUFFALO, WE NOW HUNT FOR KNOWLEDGE (AZ-216 BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO).

AZ 218 = A NUMBER OF SPONGY TERMS, REVOLVING AROUND ABSORBTION = A SORT OF HERMIT CRAB OCCASIONALLY LURED TO EXPANSIVENESS = INFORMATION BULLETIN OF THE RESEARCH NETWORK ON NUTS = THIS CHAPTER IS CALLED IMPERIAL PURPLE AND A PUNIC WAR.

AZ 223 = A NUMBER OF SPONGY TERMS, REVOLVING AROUND ABSORPTION = COMBINATION OF GRADUAL WRITE-OFFS AND CAPITAL INJECTIONS = IDEAS FOR AN ENDEAVOUR TO DEFINE THE LIMITS OF STATE ACTION = THE IMPLICATIONS OF VIBRATION AS A GENERALIZED IMAGE = THESE PRINCIPLES ENFORCED -- VOLANTIA, POSISM, DECRETISM = WORD EI GRAVEN OVER THE GATE TO APOLLO'S TEMPLE AT DELPHI.

northanger said...

AZ 85 = EMPTY SIGNIFIER = 2008 TEXAS PRIMACAUCUS.

AZ 120 = AN EMPTY SIGNIFIER SUCH AS LI = MAXIMUM POWER PRINCIPLE (AZ-113 SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS, AZ-123 FOURTH LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS) = WHICH IS WHERE WE ARE TODAY.

roger said...

As a matter of fact, we did spend 25 million dollars on sponges. LI, however, is not an empty signifier! We are a loss leader, North.

northanger said...

isn't that the same thing?

Anonymous said...

North, I have a hard time conceiving of LI as an "empty signifier", but I would bet LI knows a thing or two about sign-sponges! Come to think of it, "There will be blood" would be much more interesting to think of in terms of signsponges than empty signifiers, in terms of mop up jobs and such.

Amie