“I’m so bored. I hate my life.” - Britney Spears

Das Langweilige ist interessant geworden, weil das Interessante angefangen hat langweilig zu werden. – Thomas Mann

"Never for money/always for love" - The Talking Heads

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

the new Mount Rushmore

Fred Barnes is glowing with pleasure today. He knew that the Rebel in Chief had super powers. He knew that that face, those abs, the incredibly long member, that loveable grin, could only have come from the Planet Zygon. And today, the President shyly let the cat – or as they say on Zygon, the endless stream of copulating cockroaches – out of the bag, in this interview with the Washington Post:

“Bush, who has always said that the United States is headed for victory in Iraq, conceded yesterday what Gates, Powell and most Americans in polls have already concluded. "An interesting construct that General Pace uses is, 'We're not winning, we're not losing,' " Bush said, referring to Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the Joint Chiefs chairman, who was spotted near the Oval Office before the interview. "There's been some very positive developments. . . . [But] obviously the real problem we face is the sectarian violence that needs to be dealt with."

Asked yesterday about his "absolutely, we're winning" comment at an Oct. 25 news conference, the president recast it as a prediction rather than an assessment. "Yes, that was an indication of my belief we're going to win," he said.”

There it is. The stabbers in the back who, inexplicably, aren’t being tortured to death so that we can preserve our democracy, have accused our Greatest President of lying. But those who wore the special glasses (mail the Weekly Standard for your own pair, kids!) already knew that English verbal structure is much too primitive for a Zygonite. Our President travels through the past, present and future with the greatest of ease, and thus sometimes makes statements that seem like they are set in the present when they are actually set at some other time. For instance, the statement that Iraq has WMD meant that in 1989, Iraq had WMD. But had, has, and all temporal modes of having are Earthling delusions – all time is now time, or as the Zygon proverb goes: it is always time to take a shit! According to Zygonites, we must temporally orient ourselves by unloading our bowels on unworthy specimens of unfreedom. Zygonites also recommend, for maximum skin care, a lotion that is compounded of the blood of six hundred thousand human beings who have met violent ends. Since skin care is the number one priority on Zygon, you can of course see with what joy the properly constituted Zygonite would regard the war in Iraq.

In truth, all time, to the Zygonite, dissolves into what they call the great Narcissistic time. The great Narcissistic time flows out of the brain of the greatest and wisest of the Zygonites – the Rebels in Chief – and creates reality itself. It would seem that all Earthlings, being relatively primitive beings, would not even be able to comprehend the complexity of the Zygonite mind. But some Earthlings do! Magically transcending their own brainstem, Fred Barnes and a few selected journalists (all of whom, by a happy chance, have been hired to analyse the news endlessly on our freedom loving tv channels!) could see that the Rebel-in-Chief was no ordinary man, but a fierce extraterrestrial on a mission. His mission will only be accomplished when he has made a just distribution of the goods of the earth (which, by right, belong to members of the Carlyle Group), changed the atmosphere of the earth for the better (eliminating inefficient life forms), and Christianized forever the backwards Middle East.

Isn’t it time for the press, having had its week or two of celebrating the stab-in-the-backers of the Baker-Hamilton group, to get back to marveling at our Zygonite leader? I always like to think of the high point of the last six years, in which our long, long long war gone wild! has gone from climax to climax, was that heartwarming moment when our President brought a smile to the lips of the hardened Press with his hilarious skits – you remember! Back in 2004, as described by the Post:

“President Bush opened his 10-minute remarks to the gathering with a reference to what he referred to as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's "favorite show" on television. Those anticipating an "Apprentice" punch line -- the Donald, after all, was only a few yards away -- guessed wrong.

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Bush said, generating a roomful of laughter. "My Cabinet could take some pointers from watching that show. In fact, I'm going to have the Fab Five do a makeover on [Attorney General John] Ashcroft."

“From there, Bush went on to poke at his own malapropisms before unveiling a slide show titled "White House Election Year Album" that had the crowd chuckling. Yes, there were a few jabs at the Democrats, including a couple of shots taken at Democratic challenger John Kerry. Bush described a picture of himself doing what looked like the shuffle in the Oval Office in front of Condoleezza Rice as "here I'm trying to explain John Kerry's foreign policy to Condi." He also faked a phone conversation between Kerry and North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. "Hey, John," he said. "Kim Jong Il here. Just wanted to let you know, you're my guy."

Mostly, though, he put up dorky-looking pictures of himself. A recurring joke involved photos of the president in awkward positions -- bent over as if he's looking under a table, leaning to look out a window -- accompanied by remarks such as "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere!" and "Nope, no weapons over there!" and "Maybe under here?"

That was as funny now as it was then, since, of course, now and then are one now, one big Zygonite now without end. And from this perspective, our Greatest President is President forever!

I should mention that our former president, a pseudo-Zygonite if there ever was one, once hinted at his own power over time by saying, “that depends on what your definition of is is.” How we were shocked at the way he lied about getting a blowjob! He wasn’t a true Zygonite at all. Saying that in front of the whole nation too. However, a true Zygonite president transcends the question of ‘lying’ – nobody is going to question him about ‘lying’ when he said we were winning in Iraq. That would be too laughable. It is not an issue that is as important as a blowjob. As Barnes has pointed out, our Zygonite president has a member that is so extremely and awesomely huge that one thinks not of blowjobs, but of a special, maybe new like Mount Rushmore thing which would be exclusively dedicated to his dick. I am totally behind this project.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere!" and "Nope, no weapons over there!" and "Maybe under here?"

The worst. Until it was surpassed by the worster: the failure of the assembled press elite to boo jeer and walk the fuck out en masse. And the worstest: the failure of ANYBODY to use the footage in a campaign ad.

Was it the bukake pix he'd snapped that cowed them? The Presidential Seal inked above their hips? The guilty knowledge that they'd actually enjoyed it?

Whenever, the memory of a thick Zygonite dicking is an awesome deterrent. YOU try and keep things straight in that state.

roger said...

Anonymous, I once saw a rather ridiculous flick set in Louis XIV's France. It opened with the king hunting ducks. He did so by taking the carefully loaded rifle from a servant and firing at a duck held up in a pond by a peasant. Mostly, he hit the ducks, and sometimes he winged the peasant. Every shot was applauded by his courtiers.

That routine by Bush was a Louis XIV moment. It froze into place exactly what the D.C. crowd is all about. In laughter, veritas. To shake that crowd from our neck has to be the aim of all 'freedom loving' people. Otherwise we are doomed.

Brian said...

Empires attract power hungry sycomphants. A better class of Imperialist (i.e., the Democratic Party and the 75% of the American population that probably believes in American exceptionlism) will not solve the problem. Bring Back the Articles of Confederation so we are too small and divided to cause mischief. :)

roger said...

Brian, I like your exploration of a whole new political space. I think I'm being a hot shit proposing this and that cosmological politics, but nobody except you (that I know of) has proposed going back to the articles of confederation. Which, I gotta confess, I'm not really au courant about the AC. Wasnt there some problem with interstate trade wars? Or so I vaguely remember.

I'm not joining the Articles of Confederation Underground yet, though.

Amerigo Sciurofascista said...

"Wasnt there some problem with interstate trade wars?"

Hee, hee. Yep, there most surely was. I've got to get out my Gunther's to do that topic justice. I don't suppose any of you are ready for anarchist hobbitry yet? We've reached a working agreement with the Maoists.

Brian said...

Bring on the Anarchist Hobbitry, Mr. Scruggs. Because the Democratic Party, as you well know (as does roger) FULLY supports the Imperial Project. As does most Americans, I think. So...powerlessness is the only way to stop us. Given our groaning debt loads (including myself. It's hard to read about the cheap debt economy when I look at my budghet for the year and recognize that because of my horrible lack of self control (a psychologist would love my habits) three years, but...back to the main topic) that powerlessness is coming anyway. I would rather have a radically decentralized amorphous state than a Fascist centralized state that tries desperately to hold onto the imperial dream. Viva the Bear Fl;ag Republic. Heck, Viva La Republica de Texas! At least you won't be foisting your pols on the rest of us :) :)