“I’m so bored. I hate my life.” - Britney Spears

Das Langweilige ist interessant geworden, weil das Interessante angefangen hat langweilig zu werden. – Thomas Mann

"Never for money/always for love" - The Talking Heads

Wednesday, April 23, 2003


This just in, from the Washington Times:

Al Qaeda (toys) linked to State Department
By Odaiah Scallywag

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld today accused State Department leader Colin Powell of harboring al Qaeda terrorist (toys) and aiding their quest for (toy) weapons of mass destruction. Top S

His charges, based on "evolving" intelligence reports, marked the Pentagon's most detailed account of frivolousness at the State Department.
"We do have solid evidence of the presence in the State Department of little al Qaeda action figures, including some that look to have been manufactured by slave labor in Baghdad," the defense secretary said. "We have what we consider to be credible contacts in the Department who could help them acquire the whole set of weapons of mass destruction, plus Hotwheels, and plus, where is the respect, heaven's sake, for the good old GI Joe dolls?"
Mr. Rumsfeld's presentation at a Pentagon news conference was illustrated with two custom-made GI Joe dolls -- GI Wolfowitz and GI Perle. The Perle doll is a real beauty -it comes equipped with a string that you can pull, but only for $600,000. The charges came the day after White House National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice disclosed for the first time an intelligence report that said Undersecretary "Secret Liberal" Immerhof helped train al Qaeda dolls in the use of chemical weapons, i.e. cans of Right Guard.
Her words were reiterated yesterday by White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "At a sit-down in the Pentagon, yesterday, in which Undersecretary of Nucular Defense Smitty "Neandrathal" Neandrathal pulled out the special GI Wolfowitz doll, Immerhof bombed him good with four direct squirts of Right Guard. You know how cheap that stuff smells! Secretary Neandrathal was latter unable to get a window seat at the Quatre Saisons, and thus missed seeing Ann Coulter pass by with a pet monkey."
The back-to-back disclosures were part of a new White House push to tie Powell's regime to some pennyante middle eastern milquetoast, instead of Chalabi, a man whom even a battalion of steroid inflamed heathens could not destroy. If the Pentagon can convince the public that Powell's department desecrates the GI Joe doll, especially in favor of dolls that represent the group that attacked America and killed more than 3,000 persons, the link would strengthen the case for a Rumsfeld-led attack on Powell.
Until the past two days, the White House, and chief ally Great Britain, have focused on State's arsenal of the gag gifts of mass destruction (whoopy cushions, stringy goo, old recordings of Tiny Tim) as justification for a pre-emptive attack and the establishment of a new State Department infrastructure.
President Bush is contemplating a Pentagon and State M & A but has not yet made a decision or approved a specific plan, his aides say.
Since shortly after September 11, Pentagon civilian hard-liners have pushed the CIA and other intelligence agencies to find and document all the damn toys that make fun of Pentagon civilian hard liners. The "linkage" issue was resisted at first by some in the CIA. But Mr. Rumsfeld's aides persisted, and intelligence reports were produced establishing that there is a dart board with Rumsfeld's head on it in the basement of the State Department. Colin Powell has refused to comment about reports that he may play darts down there on alternate Wednesdays.

No comments: