“I’m so bored. I hate my life.” - Britney Spears

Das Langweilige ist interessant geworden, weil das Interessante angefangen hat langweilig zu werden. – Thomas Mann

"Never for money/always for love" - The Talking Heads

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

introducing the LI sockpuppet

A recent post on ufobreakfast convinced LI that we were falling behind the times. The middle aged man, in this busy, blogorific epoch, is nothing without his own sockpuppet -- a loveable pseudonym/imaginary friend that can lick his ass and attack his enemies.

So we've been auditioning sockpuppets.

YOURTHEBIGGESTGENIUSEVER turned in a very fine comment on our Kiss me post: "this journalism, not unlike Moses' ten commandments, will change all of human history." However, YOURETC. forgot, in a post that doesn't really get to the heart of our brilliance, that the ten commandments are not journalism. Moses, like Norman Mailer in The Armies of the Night, was a new journalist, and so he reported on himself in the third person in Exodus. However, there is a difference between journalism and what journalism reports -- or at least, that is what they taught me at the Deep Eddie bar I hang around. I don't want to have to be correcting my sockpuppet, otherwise what is the point? So, alas, we told YOURETC to set up his own blog and get a few links from Instapundit.

Now, since the most famous sockpuppet at the moment is Lee Siegal's Sprezzatura, we did call up its agent, and Sprezzatura agreed to try out on the Tomatoes post. But Sprezzatura obviously has worked the New Republic route a little too much. His comment was, This post, as so many of your brave and brilliant posts, are like bullets in the back of the Israeli hating Islamo-fascists that I know you, for one, would give your wife and sacrifice your neighbors, and their dogs, and even their goldfish to stop. Thumbs up -- even better than Marty Peretz!

Personally, I don't think Sprezzatura was even trying. Supposedly he has been flooded with offers, and you know how uppity a sockpuppet can get. If you DON'T, I suggest you see that old Anthony Hopkins movie, Magic.

As Sprezzatura and his entourage walked out the door with LI's week's supply of cocaine (goddamn that little pissant!), another sockpuppet, Jesuslovesyourbigcock, walked in. At first of course we mistook him for spam, since spam is always either trying to enlarge our penis or get us to pour the treasures of our checking account into a sure thing investment. After showing us ID, Jesuslovesyourbigcock wrote, about the Marat post: You are my Rebel-in-Chief, LI - spermatic, decisive, a skinny A.J. Liebling. You are reaching the young people of America with your marvelous prose, and they are, figuratively, throwing down their swords, or at least giving up their fucking war gamer mentality, and turning them into plowshares.

Hot diddley! Now that's what I call sockpuppetry. On the spot we hired him -- which is why the cupboard is now totally bare of blow! Oh well, we hope it is worth it. Those in the LI community who have a cup of cocaine they can loan us should mail us ASAP.

3 comments:

Vermin Direct, LLC said...

We can't believe you hired a sockpuppet without consulting us! You'll dilute your brand, and after all the careful work we've done, not to mention the cocaine we were forced to snort on your behalf.

roger said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
roger said...

Damn, I’m sorry VD!

I was there at the brainstorming session when you said we had to synergize the package on a whole new level.

And somebody said that insta-satisfaction-wise, we were way behind the eight ball

And somebody else said, always remember insta-satisfaction leads to insta-brand-stickiness, eight ball wise.

And somebody else said, remember the three Is: innovate, innovate, innovate.

But just then- you won’t believe this – just then, a heavenly chorus spoke to me.
And this is what they said:

“Well, it's on'n'n'on'n'on on'n'on,
The beat don't stop until the break of dawn.
I said M-A-S, T-E-R, a G with a double E,
I said I go by the unforgettable name
Of the man they call the Master Gee.
Well, my name is known all over the world
By all the foxy ladies and the pretty girls.
I'm goin' down in history
As the baddest rapper there ever could be.
Now I'm feelin' the highs and you're feelin' the lows,
The beat starts gettin' into your toes
You start poppin' your fingers and stompin' your feet
And movin' your body while while you're sitting in your seat
And then damn! Ya start doin' the freak, I said
Damn! Right outta your seat
Then you throw your hands high in the air,
Ya rockin' to the rhythm, shake your derriere
Ya rockin' to the beat without a care,
With the sureshot MCs for the affair."

I think what God is trying to tell me, follow your star-wise, is like: Be a man! design your own sock puppet! and mega-stickiness will follow you.